On Sadness and Coronavirus

I took Gracie my 15-year-old cattle dog to the vet this morning, knowing full well she wouldn’t be coming home. I’ve cried about that all day.

Sam got Gracie for me as a pup before we were even married, and though he won’t admit it, she was the fastest and probably the toughest of all our cattle dogs. She got kicked more times than I can count moving bulls in Colorado, which may be why she wouldn’t quit, even as her body gave out.

I’m writing about Gracie when it’s painful like this because I want to make a point about sadness and COVID19.

If I didn’t know better, I might tuck all this in and keep quiet because

“So many people have it worse.”

“People are losing family members, businesses, income, food and jobs.”

“At least I still have that, so I shouldn’t feel bad.”

But I do feel bad. This is me being honest about my sadness.

To deny it out of deference to other people’s pain, though that seems kind of right, makes no sense. First of all it doesn’t help, and second, unacknowledged, unexpressed emotions are the building blocks of the human time bomb.

My sadness over Gracie is like a fire.

And it’s burning me badly right now.

And there are many other fires burning other people badly right now too.

Some fires seem smaller, like your child not getting to graduate or go to prom. Some medium-small, like my dog dying. Others are massive, like doctors dying on the front lines of COVID.

Here’s the truth: The size of the fire doesn’t matter. A small fire will still burn you. It’s still hot and real.

So the notion that I “shouldn’t feel” a burning sadness in my chest because other people are more sad is a normal but unhelpful thought pattern that Brene Brown calls comparative suffering. It stems from the idea that we only have so much empathy to spend, so we have to ration it, spending it only on the biggest and most important pain. Of course our own is usually last in line.

Question: Does the existence of someone else’s pain, diminish yours in any way?

Answer: No.

Question: Does denying your own emotions diminish their pain in some way?

Answer: No.

So who are we kidding by not admitting we’re sad?

I’m not saying all pain is equal, just like not all fires are equal.

I am saying all emotions are valid, just as all fires are hot.

Coronavirus requires all hands on deck: Our love, our sympathy, our resources, our attunement to the needs of others because pain is billowing like smoke. Does my pain over Gracie require the same level of attention and intervention? No.

Is it still valid? Yes.

Is it wise to be honest about it, even as others suffer with COVID19? Yes.

Thank you in advance.

I know you will respond to this and express empathy for me, thank you. I also know that you are responding to your community and your country, expressing empathy for everyone else too, thank you.

The wonderful news is, you can do both all day long, because as Mama Brene says, love and empathy are generative and infinite, so we can give them away freely, to others and ourselves, never worrying about running out. There is no shortage.

So good job extending empathy to others like me and the doctors in New York, but can you extend it to yourself too? Can you feel whatever you feel, knowing there is plenty of empathy for you too?

We do ourselves and everybody else a great kindness when we’re emotionally honest, letting those feelings rise. The good news is, when we do, they eventually subside.

So thanks in advance for the love you’re sending over the loss of my little cowgirl. Thanks also in advance for sending love to the family of this doctor in New York City.

Love and shalom as you practice doing the same for yourself.