How to Handle Conflict
Let’s face it, most of us avoid conflict at all costs. We stuff it, ignore it or try to nice our way out of it, and then go home and kick the dog.
But if conflict is a normal part of the human experience - and it is- why are most of us so afraid to face it?
The easy answer is, however your parents did conflict is typically how you do it unless you’ve learned otherwise. Here are two common approaches most of us learned:
Don’t talk about it. Sweep it under the rug. Everybody ignore everybody until it blows over, deal out some silent treatment as punishment until it’s fine again. But it’s rarely fine is it? instead it’s just a simmering cauldron of resentment.
Scream, yell, and break stuff. This is another common but terrible pattern that a lot of us learned. Unfortunately, people use it because it’s effective. It scares everybody into backing down from the issue.
I promise there’s a much better way.
If you’ve been following along here you know that Cowboy Sam just picked up a management gig on a ranch in Wyoming, and we’ve moved up here until fall. As romantic as that sounds, don’t forget there are people involved and when there are people involved and you’re new, conflict is fairly inevitable.
Yesterday, something boiled over and both of us were furious. Perhaps you’re surprised to hear that about me because life coaches are supposed to have it all together all the time.
Come now.
After I calmed down I began seeing this as an opportunity to live what I teach. Here are a few principles that helped me that you might find useful.
Live by your values, not your emotions. No matter how anybody else behaves, I’m accountable to my values which are joy, peace, respect, courage, love, adventure, and fun. Not necessarily in that order. So as triggered as I was, I’m not being congruent with the person I want to be by tearing someone’s face off. Plus, that’s often what a pot-stirrer wants - drama. So if drama or whatever isn’t on your list of core values, find a way around it in a truthful and boundaried way.
Acknowledge and validate people. This is Sam’s job, not mine, and he was waaaaay angrier than I was. Rather than try to talk him out of it, I just validated his right to feel that way. This is the part that most people miss. ALL EMOTIONS ARE LEGAL, ALL RESPONSES ARE NOT.
For example, someone has a right to feel angry, but they have no right to go shoot someone over it. So, when you validate someone’s feelings, whatever they are, it gives people permission to feel however they feel. Once big feelings pass, people can bring their brains online and decide to go for a walk rather than shoot somebody. Many Americans need this lesson right now. Feel your feelings, but live by your decisions.Get some skills. I’ve been teaching the same conflict mitigation framework for years, it comes from a book called Crucial Conversations. It was developed by four therapists and the goal is not agreement necessarily but mutual understanding and cooperation. The process requires courage, patience, respect, and a desire to repair the breach - which, when done well, makes you a better parent, a better leader, a better colleague, and a better friend. Who doesn’t need that?
Learn to apologize. My gosh, we need to learn this and fast. In season one of tv’s best show, Ted Lasso, Ted delivers a world-class apology to Nate. If you don’t have time to watch the first 16 seconds of this clip here’s how to apologize well.
State clearly what you are apologizing for. “I did X and I was wrong.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“I hope you can forgive me.” Don’t say please forgive me because that’s up to them to decide, and maybe they need a minute.
Say thank you and move on.
After that go watch Ted Lasso. Everybody thinks Ted Lasso is a show about soccer, it’s not. It’s a show about leadership, humility, kindness, and often, a really good apology.
So here it is Miller Time and we’ve made it through. We’re all pulling the wagon the same direction, and tomorrow is a new day.
Happy Trails. xo
ps. Our flagship course, The Meaning of Midlife, where we get good at living by our values and decisions rather than our feelings, is on hiatus until this fall. If you’d like to know when we open it back up, so you can talk to us about it, click here and we’ll keep you posted.